After a period of ceaseless striving leading to a mental breakdown, a writer shares her lessons on drawing boundaries for the body and finding balm for the soul.
People called me a superwoman. When they asked me what I did in my free time, I often found myself having no answer because . . .
I simply had no free time.
My university days were filled with sleepless nights. While trying to complete all my readings, writing coherent essays, and maintaining a decent cumulative average point, I was serving in church and campus ministry, and in some months, working. I was everywhere.
REST
was a foreign concept, and I continued going at top speed. This went on till I had a massive meltdown and my life came to a stop.
It happened during the first week of my final year in university. Although I didn’t have classes, I had a day full of appointments. When my alarm went off and I tried to drag myself out of slumber, I slowly became aware of an extremely uncomfortable feeling in my chest. My heart weighed me down like a rock. “Maybe I’m just tired,” I thought as I tried to sleep it off.
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I woke up to the same heaviness. The feeling was painful, but I had people to meet. I decided to hustle out of bed and wash up. Just as I was ready to leave my house, waves of anxiety washed over me. I tried to steady my breath and my shaking body. My mind sped in all directions and my heart was palpitating. My senses were melting and I found myself at a loss.
Not having any strength to place myself in any social situation, I somehow managed to cancel my appointments. I thought the best thing to do was to sleep again. So I buried myself under my covers and tried to put my body to rest. I woke up intermittently and felt the lingering panic surrounding me like a blanket.
With shaky hands, I texted a close friend. Through my incoherent sentences and jumbled words, she knew that she had to come over to my house. By nightfall, I had regained some calmness, but I was still in shock. A crushing confusion enveloped me as I asked myself: Why was this happening?
I had experienced depressive symptoms, panic attacks, and suicidal thoughts on different occasions since I was 11; this meltdown was the last straw.
And so, three priorities began to form: Stop pursuing further studies, seek professional help, and—most importantly—find rest for the restoration of my heart and mind.
My Identity Is Not Built on How Much I Can Do
God used this episode to help me see that, for a long time, I had associated my identity with my ability to do many things. I prized my “superwoman” status and secretly longed to prove to everyone that I was just that.
After the mental breakdown took place, however, my capacity decreased drastically and I had to take life really slow. My restless self was crying to do more! But I knew that my body could not catch up.
Would people think that I was lousy because I couldn’t run at the same pace as before? Would they think that I was unreliable because I couldn’t be everywhere, every time? Would they love me less because I couldn’t do as much for them?
These were the questions that invaded my mind. Perhaps the answer to all those questions was “yes,” but I had to learn that it did not matter, because my identity did not rest in my ability. I had to disassociate my identity from what I could do and clothe it with who Christ says I am: free, loved, enough, and His. I have nothing to prove.
I Need God’s Rhythm of Grace
The meltdown helped me realise that as I slowed down, I could experience life more fully. At first, I felt that the meltdown only served to cripple me and rob my life of joy. But I came to realise that I could finally enjoy the beauty of life that God offered.
Now, I can savour and appreciate greater meaning in the things I do, instead of mindlessly rushing through them. I have had time to sit down on the couch, watch TV, and spend time with my family. I can exercise and read for leisure—for the first time in a long while. I can spend time with my significant other and people who matter. I can shift from doing things for God, to just being with God and enjoying His presence.
After two months of rest, I started working part-time. While I inevitably had less time as work picked up, the difference was that I now consciously applied the principle that I had internalised in the previous months, and continued to prioritise time to rest. I was mindful to not take on more than I could handle, and stopped packing my days with an endless stream of activities.
I Can Trust and Rest in God’s Goodness
Growing up, I was always amazed by people who seemed to have it all together. How were they able to do so many things and go without rest? After learning the profound lesson of rest for myself, however, I found myself more amazed by those who were intentional about rest despite the demands of life.
Jesus says in Mark 2:27: “The Sabbath was made for man, not man for the Sabbath.” In God’s loving care, He allows a day of rest each week so that we can see to our welfare and tend to our souls. Even Jesus, fully God and yet fully man, often took time away to recharge.
There is no denying that life can be tough on many days. Yet, the wonderful irony is that by devoting one day to rest, we will be put in better stead for the other six days. We have to be disciplined to set aside time to rest and to fill up our tanks.
My body had been signalling to me about my lack of rest for a long time, but I had simply ignored it. It took this blaring, in-my-face warning to make me realise that I had to REST! Rest is a gift from God that I was not taking.
Although we all appreciate days when we can just chill, rest is not about doing nothing, either. It is purposeful, and includes allowing ourselves to engage in life-giving activities.
As Psalm 127:2 says: “In vain you rise early and stay up late, toiling for food to eat—for he grants sleep to those he loves.”
Ultimately, resting demonstrates our trust in God as we receive His gift of love.
While driving, we may feel annoyed whenever the traffic light turns to amber. But it serves to keep us from going too fast and spiralling out of control. If you are on the verge of a burn-out, or struggling with mental issues that you view as crippling, could it be that God is prompting you to slow down?
Now that the confusion has cleared up, I can say with confidence that God had allowed the meltdown to happen because He loves me too much to see me continue at the pace I was going.
This was first published on selah.sg and adapted with permission.
Sheryl believes that Jesus’ love (and good design) changes everything. She loves thinking about God, life, and missions. Read about her family’s missional adventures at jasonsheryl.com.
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