Getting Job Anxiety and Insomnia…
Have I Failed the Test of Faith?
After 15 years with my first company, it was time to leave. I was struggling to manage the crushing workload and feeling burnt out, which affected my job performance. Then my boss gave me the lowest appraisal rating in the team and told me I wasn’t suitable for the job, though I had risen through the ranks under her watch.
Her words shattered my confidence.
I plummeted into anxiety and lost sleep for three consecutive nights. I kept praying that God would grant me relief through sleep, but rest remained elusive.
As a result, even going to the office was a major struggle. And when I arrived, I could barely work. Sleep returned only after I saw a therapist and talked to a few friends who were counsellors.
Finally, I resigned. Many colleagues gave me farewell lunches, including Sebastian, whom I had worked closely with on a project. I frankly shared with him about the circumstances behind my resignation over lunch, and on the way back to the office, he sombrely said,
I kept silent.
Sebastian’s words haunted me. Ruminating on how I had struggled with insomnia and fretted over my uncertain future, I began to ask myself:
Where had my faith gone? Why wasn’t it strong enough to overcome my anxiety? Were my prayers unanswered because of my lack of faith?
Yet, it was at this point of self-doubt, that God helped me to make sense of this episode in my life. As I meditated on His Word and prayed, He gave me the counsel I needed to figure out what I had gone through.
A Time of Testing
When I read the psalms, I was struck by this gem from the prayers of David:
“Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting”
(Psalm 139:23–24).
In my case, I realised, God didn’t need to search me to know my heart and mind: He already knew. Rather, it was I who needed to know my own heart.
God used the trials I went through to refine my faith and deepen my self-awareness (1 Peter 1:7). As Proverbs 17:3 puts it: “The crucible for silver and the furnace for gold, but the LORD tests the heart.”
Bible teacher David Cook makes this observation:
Just as fire refines gold and silver by removing the impurities, the Lord purifies His people, improving and developing their character by allowing difficulties to take place in their lives. How often we can testify that times of pain and testing were also times of growth and advancement in our godliness!
This illustration spoke poignantly to me.
In the process of purification, the metalsmith first subjects solid gold or silver to fire, melting it. The impurities in the metal rise to the surface and are removed. The metalsmith knows the process is complete only when he sees his own reflection in the liquid metal.
In the same way, God purifies our hearts through trials so that He can see His image in us. Romans 5:3–4 tells us about the outcome of suffering: it produces perseverance, which leads to character. God takes the suffering and testing in our lives to make us more like His Son.
So why had I gone through this time of testing?
As I reflected on this question, I realised that if there was anything that my struggle with anxiety had revealed in me,
Because my pride wanted to project an image of stability, I had felt ashamed of showing my struggles to others.
Moreover, I was actively serving in church when this happened, and had believed that this was an indication of strong faith. I had thought that little could shake my trust in God.
Sadly, this was not true. My trust wasn’t as strong as I thought.
Encouraging Other Believers
Something else in the Bible also helped me make sense of the trial I had been through—the story of a man who had appeared to fail the test of faith.
In Luke 22, Jesus told Simon Peter: “Satan has asked to sift all of you as wheat. But I have prayed for you, Simon, that your faith may not fail. And when you have turned back, strengthen your brothers” (vv. 31–32).
Simon Peter responded with bravado that he would go to prison and even death for his Lord (v. 33). But just as Jesus prophesied, the overconfident apostle would deny Him three times before the rooster crowed that morning (vv. 34, 54–60).
Preaching trainer and Bible teacher Mike Raiter writes:
God may allow us to go through a time of sifting. Jesus knows the plans of Satan, and so we can be encouraged that during our trials, our Lord is praying for us . . . the same God who restored Peter will also keep us by His mighty power.
Satan intended to destroy Peter’s faith through sifting, but God used it to purify Peter instead. After His death and resurrection, Jesus restored His disciple (see John 21:15–19). Although Peter’s faith had been tested and was found wanting, his Lord had kept him in the faith, and would later use him to build the church (Matthew 16:18).
I believe that the testing I went through had exposed my weak faith, too. And now, I’m sharing my experience candidly with my friends and churchmates, to encourage them and to tell of God’s goodness.
Struggling with anxiety is more common than we might think. To all who struggle, and to all who may struggle in the future: remember that God is exceedingly compassionate and gracious (Psalm 103:8). He will provide us with help in times of need (Hebrews 4:16), be it in the form of therapy, biblical counselling, or sleep.
Looking back at this testing of my faith, I’d hesitate to simply call it a failure. All believers struggle with anxiety from time to time. Some may be embarrassed to confess this, lest they have to deal with the notion that their faith has failed.
So, I believe that we shouldn’t label such struggles with anxiety as a failure of faith. Doing so might further stigmatise anxiety among Christians and prevent some from seeking support.
Perhaps my only personal “failure”—if you could call it that—was not realising that my faith wasn’t as strong as I had thought. I’d do well to emulate the prayer of the possessed boy’s father in Mark 9:24 (AMPC)—that God would “help my weakness of faith!”
I had to accept that it’s absolutely okay to be in a position of weakness. In fact, that’s where I could experience God’s power: “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness” (2 Corinthians 12:9).
God’s power is found not in our strength, but in our weakness.
I don’t need to look like I’ve got everything going swimmingly, so as to be loved and accepted. God allowed my struggle to teach me humility, and to remind me that His grace would always be there. As James 4:6 (ESV) reminds us, God gives grace to the humble. I had been humbled, and so I was able to receive His grace.
Struggling with insomnia and job anxiety was one of the lowest points in my life. Yet, even if I could change the past, I’d still choose to go through it. It was a time of growth and lessons learnt. It humbled me and gave me greater empathy for those who struggle with anxiety. And it enabled me to experience God’s abundant grace.
Although Eliza Tan eats to live rather than lives to eat, she still enjoys her food and wholeheartedly agrees with Ecclesiastes 3:13, "That each of them may eat and drink, and find satisfaction in all their toil—this is the gift of God."
More On
