Recently, I lost my temper after discovering my brother had worn my sandals without my knowledge. It was a small thing, but for some reason, it made me upset an entire evening. I even ended up quarrelling with my mother.
There’s a lot to be angry about these days in Singapore—rising petrol prices, rising electricity bills, rising food prices, shortage of fresh chicken—and yet, what really riled me was my dearest brother wearing my sandals.
Feeling ashamed over the incident later on, I began to do some soul searching. I began to ask myself: How can I do anger better?
Turning to the Bible, I found many helpful passages that could help me deal with my anger. In Luke 17:3–4, for example, Jesus tells us that we are to forgive brothers and sisters as many times as they repent.
But that just led to more questions: What if those who wrong me do not repent? Must I forgive them too? And, more importantly—is it wrong to be angry?
Thankfully, there are many others who have struggled with such questions, and can share on the lessons they learnt in the light of God’s truth. They include David Powlison, author of the book, Good and Angry.
The first thing I learnt—and which was greatly assuring—was this: anger is natural.
Anger in itself is not wrong. The Bible shows us that sin angers and displeases God (Psalm 7:11), for He is righteous and hates sin.
Likewise, because we are made in the image of God, we naturally cast moral judgment on things we feel are wrong. (Of course, God, being perfect, knows what is truly wrong or not, so His anger is righteous—whereas our perceptions and judgments can be affected by our sinfulness.)
As such, we can get angry when we see things that we believe are wrong, such as when there is injustice, or someone does harm to others.
While anger may not be wrong, how we respond to our own feelings, and to those who anger us, can be wrong. For example, losing our temper when things don’t go our way, seeking revenge, and being hurtful with our words or actions.
How can we avoid responding in a sinful way? Powlison says we can ask ourselves some questions that can help us explore and process our anger, and see our situation and emotions in the light of God’s truths.
When, what, how, or who has made us angry? It’s a simple question, but answering it honestly will help us to be specific about what has triggered our anger.
In my case, it was simply this: my brother had worn my sandals.
What words and actions have we taken or intend to take? Reflecting on this will help us examine our emotions and responses in the context of the circumstances.
After finding out my brother had worn my sandals, I kicked up a big fuss, which in turn angered my mother. The next day, I asked myself: Was I being selfish? Was I too harsh on my brother and mother? Did my outburst only make things worse? I realised I had overreacted, and felt bad about my words and actions.
One biblical verse that I find particularly inspiring is Proverbs 15:1: “A gentle answer turns away wrath.”
This has guided me whenever I begin to feel frustrated or angry. While there is a temptation to be spiteful in my words or actions, I am reminded to resist it, and instead, to try and talk things through, which can help calm both parties and allow me to respond in a way that will please God.
This question may seem to deserve an obvious answer as in question 1. But if we dig a bit deeper, we might be able to find out what really lies behind the anger.
Beyond asking ourselves, “How does it affect me?”, we may find that our fuming can come from who we are, our expectations of the situation, or our motives. Some helpful questions:
What is it that I really want, without which I feel frustrated?
What do I believe I need which I can’t live without?
What do I fear most?
These questions can reveal what we cherish most, what we truly desire, or our deepest fears.
I realised that what really bothered me was that my brother had pulled the sandal straps too much to make them fit his feet, and now, the sandals didn’t fit my feet properly even after I re-adjusted the straps.
But why was I so angry? Ultimately, it was because my sandals had cost me $120, and it was not easy to find a pair that fit my flat feet well. This meant . . . I would have to spend more money to get a new pair!
My anger, then, was really motivated by the concern of having to spend more money.
This question can help us reflect on the impact of our reaction, and see, as Galatians 6:7 reminds us, how we reap what we sow.
In my case, I realised that my own anger had upset my mother. It led to an awkward morning after, with our usual relationship slightly strained, and me thinking: Is this what I want?
When we’re angry, we tend to find the wrong people to talk to. In my case, this “wrong person” was me. The more I replayed the events in my mind, the angrier I became. Or, we try to talk to the very person we are angry with, or unnecessarily involve others, as I did with my mother.
At such times, Powlison advises, the right and best person to speak to is our good Shepherd, whom we can ask for help. We can share our thoughts and emotions with Him in prayer, and let Him minister to us.
It is not easy to be calm in a conflict, especially in the heat of the moment. When someone has hurt us, it is easier to “act first, talk later”.
But if we can take a deep breath, relax, and remember that God is in control, we will be more accepting of the situation. This can enable us to be more patient and forgiving. We may then enjoy the fruits of our godly responses—like charity to my brother and peace with my mother.
Thinking about this question can help us to consider the benefits of responding in the right way.
Handling our anger in the right way can help ourselves or others allow God to work in us and transform us into more Christlike people.
For example, we may, after much prayer and discernment, gently admonish or correct someone whose behaviour has displeased God (or us).
Or, we may realise that our anger actually comes from our selfishness, and be prompted to repent, apologise, and seek reconciliation. Learning how to manage anger has a rightful place in godly living.
As I reflected on how I could have done things different, I realised that I was the one at fault for making a mountain out of a molehill. This awareness helped me to repent and come before God, to apologise to my mother, and to make amends with my brother.
It was not easy for me to do all this. But when I did so, an immense burden lifted from my heart, along with the awkwardness I felt with my family. It felt good to do what I knew pleased God.
I also gained a renewed appreciation for God’s grace. He had helped me not to persist in my anger, extricating me from misery and sin.
Responding to our emotions in faith and obedience may not change our current situation, but it can reveal to us where God is working in our lives, helping us to handle our anger, and changing us to be more like Christ each day.
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