The fifth of the Ten Commandments (Deuteronomy 5:16), the command to honour our father and mother, was important enough for Paul to quote it in his letter to the Ephesians when teaching them about God-pleasing relationships. He reminded the church:

Interestingly, Paul adds the words “in the Lord” (v. 1). According to the Zondervan NIV Bible Commentary, it means that the command to obey one’s parents applies in the context where the family recognises the lordship of Christ, and there is no clash of loyalties in which God “has to be obeyed rather than other people”.

But this is not true of many families. Some of us have non-believing parents who do not submit to Christ’s lordship, and who may disapprove of our decision to follow Him; as a result, we may feel caught between the call to obey God’s commandments and the commitment to our parents.

The difficult truth is, Jesus himself said that our faith may pit us against our families, and “a man’s enemies will be the members of his own household” (Matthew 10:35–36). We are called to love Him more than our families and our lives—this is the cross we may need to carry, and the cost of discipleship that we have to count and pay (Luke 14:26-30).

And, in this fallen world, some parents abuse, abandon, or aggravate children—disregarding the call in Ephesians 6:4 to parents not to exasperate their children.

In such situations, learning to honour our parents can be especially challenging.

However, Leviticus 19:3—“Each of you must respect your mother and father”—sets no condition for respecting our parents. In other words, we are to respect them whether they submit to Christ’s lordship or not.

writes Bible teacher Ajith Fernando.

Mutual care and respect exist within a healthy, functioning family, and most of us would have no issues honouring our parents who love us deeply, even if we hold different beliefs. Honouring non-Christian parents is not that different from honouring believing ones, but how we do so can be a witness of God’s work and will in our lives.

But what if a non-believing parent opposes our Christian faith?

This was something Peter faced. After years of volunteering in a Christian organisation, he decided to heed a burden God placed in his heart and join the organisation as a full-time staff. His parents were incredulous at his decision, especially when Peter had just gotten married and was planning to start a family. They asked

In such situations, what can we do? I believe that in choosing to put God first, we may sometimes end up going against some of our parents’ wishes—but this does not mean that we do not continue honouring them. And we need to take any such decisions carefully, being guided by godly wisdom and discernment, as different situations may call for different responses.

Seng Kuan, for instance, chose not to waver in his decision, and went ahead to get baptised, holding on to Jesus’ promise that those who are persecuted and slandered because of Him will be blessed (Matthew 5:10).

At the same time, however, he remained determined to honour his parents by taking care of them. This was something Paul stressed: he saw caring for our family as so fundamental that a believer who fails to do so “has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever” (1 Timothy 5:8). Jesus, too, before His death ensured that His mother would be taken care of, entrusting her to the care of His beloved disciple (John 19:25–27).

For Seng Kuan, honouring his parents meant performing practical acts of service such as accompanying them to medical appointments, spending quality time with them, and visiting them with his wife and children regularly. He also plans to go for an overseas trip with his father, whose opposition to his faith has mellowed over the years.

Peter, too, became a full-time Christian worker despite his parents’ opposition. For months, whenever he visited his parents, his father would protest by giving him the silent treatment.

However, when his father became ill and needed caregiving, Peter and his wife invited his parents to stay with them. Although it inconvenienced the couple and their children, they did their best to demonstrate Christ’s sacrificial love to Peter’s parents, who also witnessed the love between the couple and their grandchildren up close. After many years, his parents received Christ as their personal Lord and Saviour.

Through our love, we can honour our parents in ways while remaining committed to God.

Forgiveness is perhaps one of the most practical yet most difficult ways to honour our parents.

It is also a struggle that Geraldine knows intimately. Her mother, a foreigner in Singapore, chose to return to her homeland after her divorce, leaving the young Geraldine in the care of her father’s extended family and friends.

Although she remained in contact with her mother and even visited her overseas, Geraldine never talked to her mother about the latter’s absence when she was growing up. But tension between them arose when she invited her mother to attend her wedding. Her mother’s demands regarding her visit and the wedding brought Geraldine’s simmering resentment to boiling point.

Geraldine told me agitatedly. Despite her desire to follow God’s command, she wrestled with bitterness over being abandoned when she was young.

Geraldine is still working on forgiveness today. She wants to forgive her mother as the Lord forgave her (Colossians 3:13). But sometimes, bad memories and strong feelings challenge her resolve. She yearns for reconciliation between not just her mum and her, but also between her mother and God.

Throughout my years as a believer, Papa, too, would express his hostility to my faith through his snide remarks. “If you’d used the time you spent reading the Bible on your studies instead, you’d have gotten a PhD,” Papa once said when he spotted me having my quiet time.

Although the grief that Papa gave me over the years cannot be compared to what Geraldine experienced, I’ve realised that I also need to make a conscious decision to forgive my Papa. Not just to brush aside his words, but also to not hold the offences against him, and to reflect a fuller measure of God’s love and forgiveness in my relations with him.

We exhibit the transformative power of the gospel when we choose to forgive those who hurt us.

As part of their wedding ceremony or feast, many newly-wedded couples express appreciation to their parents for loving and supporting them. At his wedding, Seng Kuan not only thanked his parents but also his grandmother, whose sacrifice his father remembers dearly. In doing so, he showed his father how much he continued to value his family.

We do not need to wait for a special occasion to thank our parents. Even thanking them for acts of love during the most mundane of days can give them joy (Proverbs 23:25).

Despite his antagonism to my faith, my Papa has been the most devoted father. So, not only do I thank him regularly for taking care of my daily needs, but I also thank God for him, and tell others of his love.

God delights in the praises and thanksgiving of His children, and so do our parents.

The commandment to honour our parents in Ephesians 6:2 falls under the call to “submit to one another out of reverence for Christ”, enabled by the Holy Spirit who fills us (Ephesians 5:18, 21). May we keep in step with His Spirit, who empowers, emboldens, and encourages us to obey this commandment, to God’s glory.