What happens when our errors or misjudgements lead to self-inflicted suffering? What does God’s Word have to teach us about forgiving ourselves?

Debbie couldn’t help but blame herself for how her behaviour had affected her son, with her self-identity as a good mother suffering a blow. In such a situation, a concerned friend might feel the urge to encourage her to “forgive herself”, so that she could move on with life.

The idea of “forgiving ourselves” elicits different thoughts from Christians. After all—some may think—if someone sins against us, God calls us to forgive the offender. But when we sin, we are the perpetrators, not the victim, of our actions, and God is the one who forgives.

By this logic, Debbie has no moral right or need to “forgive herself” for what she had done.

The harm may be severe. We may experience a combination of guilt, shame, disappointment, and anger at ourselves, like Debbie did. Such loss, grief, and shock can even paralyse our faculties—physical, emotional, or cognitive—and we may find ourselves stuck in a loop of self-blame and self-doubt.

When people say “forgive yourself”, they are nearly always talking about doing something to ease those strong, debilitating feelings.

Gary Inrig, pastor and author of several books including the Discovery Series title The Risk of Forgiveness, makes some observations about self-forgiveness.

First, he writes, such talk often carries the underlying assumption that we are somehow better than other people and should be above such behaviour. One may be thinking, I can see why others would do wrong, but I cannot see why I would. In this exists a certain element of pride.

For example, Debbie’s friends would often praise her for her devotion to her only child. Gina or Hui Ling are the tiger mums who would exasperate their child, but me? It was all she had ever wanted—to be the perfect mother, giving her son all the resources and motivation he needed to excel in life.

—thinking that she’d be admired for her higher parenting standard, that she wouldn’t make mistakes.

Second, Inrig warns the idea of self-forgiveness can lead us to focus on how we feel rather than on what we can do to change. Merely dwelling on our mistakes can exacerbate our feelings of guilt and shame, shaking our sense of identity deeply.

Instead, our goal as Christians should be deep repentance and character transformation—more so than emotional release, he adds.

We can learn this lesson from David, who repented after committing adultery with Bathsheba and masterminding the death of her husband Uriah. As Psalm 51 records, David recognises that his sin was ultimately against God (v. 4). Turning back to God, he pled for cleansing and a pure heart (v. 7, 10).

In his third and most important point, Inrig says that what we need is a robust confidence in God’s forgiveness.

Instead of looking inwards for forgiveness and release from our guilt and shame, we need to look outwards—to God. To do this, we must rely on the promises of God and confess our sins to Him in faith, seeking His forgiveness and purification from unrighteousness (1 John 1:9).

Not only does God give us the example of David’s genuine remorse and repentance in Psalm 51, He also gives us other psalms of lament to teach us how to express pain, sorrow, and confusion in the face of guilt and suffering. When we turn to God in lament, we can pour out our sorrow to Him, remember His unfailing love, and present our petitions. Lamenting well is an act of faith, as we express trust in Him, preach His promises to ourselves, and lift up our praise to Him.

Even though we may experience painful feelings arising from what we’ve done, we can take heart that, as Romans 8:1 and 1 John 3:20 tell us, in Christ, we are no longer condemned; God knows, and He is above and greater than our hearts. As we remember the redemptive work of the gospel in the lives of Christ’s followers, we can experience true freedom from guilt.

For Debbie, this means that she can go to God, confessing her controlling ways and exasperating parenting methods, knowing that God would not hold her debt against her.

We too can have hope that, after a season of hurt,

As we grieve over our regrets, losses, and the brokenness of life, we can ask God to restore to us the joy of salvation (Psalm 51:12).

We can also regain our confidence as we humbly ask God to renew a steadfast spirit within us, and to guide us in paths of righteousness for His name’s sake (Psalm 23:3; 51:4).

When David, in Psalm 32:1, writes, “Blessed is the one whose transgressions are forgiven,” his joy comes not from the fact that he has forgiven himself, but from the fact that God has forgiven him. Thank God that genuine repentance and God’s forgiveness can bring the restoration of joy!

Adapted with permission from The Risk of Forgiveness © Our Daily Bread Ministries.