Recognising that the fear of losing out and the fear of dying are stumbling blocks in her walk with God, a writer shares how God addresses her fears through His love and His Word.
Kiasu (Hokkien for “fear of losing”) and Kiasi (Hokkien for “fear of dying”) are no strangers to Singaporeans. We grow up with them, embody them, and even allow them to become a way of living.
Kiasu conveys the strong sense of insecurity of losing out to others, which motivates one to constantly strive to get ahead and cross the finish line first.
Kiasi, on the other hand, is perpetually afraid of taking risks, getting into trouble, or, more morbidly, dying.
Despite our love-hate relationship, both Kiasu and Kiasi are intimate friends of mine.
In fact, as I was growing up, Kiasu and Kiasi seemed to be well-acquainted with everyone around me. This was especially evident whenever a conflict arose: Kiasu and Kiasi would be sure to make their presence known in the room—through people’s one-upmanship and self-preservation.
And this was how I was introduced to them. Thereafter, they subconsciously became a part of my walk with God. These two fears affected my faith journey in two significant ways:
the way I viewed God’s blessings.
the way I viewed God’s blessings.
Despite receiving my parents’ provisions from birth, dissatisfaction constantly nagged at me. Envy, greed, and a covetous spirit drilled a gaping hole in my heart, and I soon found myself seeking the blessings that others possessed.
Growing up, I often wondered why God bestowed my friends with sharper facial features, and why He gave other families wealth to afford fancy attire.
And as much as I tried living out the call that God placed in my life, I remember repeatedly looking to my left and right as I compared the different “callings” my churchmates were pursuing. Kiasu’s voice buzzed like a fly, distracting me from God’s personal call.
Kiasu pulled me into the rancid pit of comparison and discontentment. My fear of losing out blinded me from the immense blessings—favour, love, grace, goodness and mercy—that followed me (Psalm 23:6). It all seemed like a long drawn-out battle, until I had enough and confronted Kiasu with the Word of God.
Breakthrough came when I grasped the rich knowledge that the greatest blessing in my life was knowing God and having a personal relationship with Him. Only through the Holy Spirit were my eyes open to the many spiritual blessings He had given me (Ephesians 1:3).
Isaiah 61 also taught me how to respond to God’s redeeming work. As I bemoaned how the Kiasu spirit had held me captive, I learnt to understand God’s favour for and promises to His people, that they would live in His grace-filled blessings, which brought beauty, gladness, and praise (v. 3).
Maybe you’re struggling with the fear of losing out on God’s blessings, or questioning if He is willing to bless you. In moments when I don’t feel blessed, I remind myself that sometimes, God’s blessings, and even joy, come through the most unlikely of circumstances—tears, trials, and tribulations (James 1:12, Romans 5:3-5, 1 Peter 4:12-13).
Will you still trust that God is pouring out blessings in situations where you can only see curses? Will you take a step back to survey the bigger picture and recognise that, because you have Christ, you are blessed? This much I know: Kiasu is silenced when we acknowledge and behold the grace and glory of God (Psalm 84:11).
me of my attempts to live by faith.
The fear of landing in trouble, fused with a longing for man’s approval, led me to become a wary, cautious person who avoided decisions. An adventure-seeking, boundary-breaking life was never something I associated myself with. Merely hearing the phrase “take a leap of faith” irked me. I craved safety, comfort, and certainty; Kiasi gladly kept me in the shadows, avoiding exposure to the light of risks.
The struggle to trust in God and His goodness intensified during major life transitions. Stepping into a new environment meant new routines, new friends, new challenges; in short, transitions meant intense discomfort. I remember crying out to God for intervention whenever Kiasi gnawed at my spirit, crippling me with fear.
However, God began to deal with Kiasi by stretching me through serving in ministry and activating the need to practise and act in faith. The more my faith resonated with Hebrews 11:6—“without faith it is impossible to please God”—the more Kiasi diminished in me. Fear started to shrivel; it began to shudder each time I responded in faith and obedience.
Today, my spirit recognises its authority over Kiasi, longs for faith adventures, and has become more sensitive to holding any fear and doubt captive when they creep up on me.
An Ongoing Struggle
Even though Kiasu and Kiasi have induced much pain, my struggles with them have taught me to be grateful. Whenever I look back on my journey and the arduous mental wars I’ve fought and won, my heart never fails to swell with gratitude. I am thankful that God has revealed Himself to me and has always held me in love regardless of circumstance.
My life is a victorious one because in God, there is nothing to lose or fear. His perfect love for His children expels our fear within—whether it’s Kiasu or Kiasi (1 John 4:18).
Are Kiasu and Kiasi companions of yours, too? If so, may God help you tune out their malicious voices and ease into spending private moments with Him. Allow Him space to speak into your inner struggles and battles.
Dig deep into the living Word and boldly declare God’s promises of provision, truth, and love in your life. May you remember that the Father ultimately desires to bless and strengthen you on this long and winding path. Take heart, and tell Kiasu and Kiasi: “Be gone!”
This was first published on selah.sg and adapted with permission.
Natalie is an introvert, yet loves investing intentional time on people. Her favourite colour is red, yet her wardrobe is filled with hues of blue. She is an open well when it comes to meeting and embracing girls with histories that can be transformed to become His stories.
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