Eliza Tan

Ryan’s presence always seemed a little intimidating to introverts—like me. Self-confident and assertive (sometimes, a little too direct), flamboyantly dressed (think: bespoke business shirts) and beefy (accentuated by the fitted shirts he often wore), this ex-colleague made many of us feel like lesser people.

Then, I found out that he was a fellow believer in Christ and has same-sex attraction (SSA). I even met his ex-boyfriend, whom Ryan had no qualms introducing to people he knew.

I did not know Ryan well enough to ask him whether he struggled in his faith as a Christian while being involved with another guy.

It was only when Ryan’s daily postings on social media suddenly disappeared, followed by a prolonged absence online, that I tried to reach him through various means. When he didn’t reply, I prayed for him: Lord, wherever Ryan is and whatever he is going through, please minister to him.

Ryan finally reappeared on social media many months later, and we eventually caught up over a meal. It was then that he confided that he had just undergone a particularly trying episode in his life, which God had lovingly used to discipline him.

“It felt like God was saying, ‘Have you had enough?’” Ryan told me. He realised then that he did have enough of living for his own pleasure. It was the pivotal point that led to his turning away from his wilful ways and back to God.

Ryan didn’t tell me what he went through, but whatever it was, I could see that it had made a huge impact on his perspective of his own life—and of God.

“You know the parable of the prodigal son? I was both the performance-driven older son as well as the rebellious younger son,” said Ryan of the days when he was still with his boyfriend. “Just as the two sons were related to the father, we can claim to have a relationship with God yet live on our own terms.”

I knew Ryan’s achievements well. He had graduated with top honours, managed his projects with finesse, presented himself as a person with much confidence, and had great rapport with his colleagues.

Behind this successful life, however, he was leading a fast and loose life, even though he knew full well that it was incompatible with the holy life that God had called him to pursue. This double-life had eventually led him to the lowest point in his life.

Ryan recalled attending a church service during his crisis, and sensing the very tangible presence of God. He wept uncontrollably, as wave after wave of God’s love and affirmation swept over him. It prompted him to renew his commitment to follow God in repentance.

Although God is continuing to grow Ryan’s desire to walk by the Spirit, it doesn’t mean that his battle with SSA is over. The feelings of attraction and desire for a relationship still remain, and Ryan needs to constantly resist the temptation to return to his former lifestyle.

What helps him is God’s grace, which gives him not only salvation but also strength to reject ungodly desires and live a self-controlled life (Titus 2:12). “If not for the grace of God, I won’t be able to say ‘no’ to my desires,” said Ryan. It is this salvation from the power of sin that he experiences every day as he lives by the Spirit.

“What happens when I feel attracted to a guy? Quick, pray!” Ryan exclaimed. Whenever he feels the stirring of same-sex attraction, he turns to God and prays for strength to resist and to flee from sin. “I have to keep praying, ‘Lead us not into temptation’ (Matthew 6:13),” he said.

And he hangs on to his faith in Jesus, “who gave himself for us to redeem us from all wickedness and to purify for himself a people that are his very own” (Titus 2:14).

But there had been times, Ryan confessed to me, when he had acted on those sinful desires, and tried to contact some “old friends” who could gratify him. Yet, by the grace of God, those friends were “not available” then. “God was protecting me from my old self!” said Ryan.

And there had been other times when others had tried to tempt him, but somehow, he had missed their messages.

One day, added Ryan, he knows that God’s grace will grant him complete salvation from the presence of sin, and deliverance from the desire to give in to his same-sex attraction.