Sorry, Jesus, I’ve Been a Terrible Friend | Faith & Life

Knowing that Jesus calls her His friend prompts a writer to reflect on this special relationship and how it transforms her living and being.

Carrie Ng

I must admit, I'm not very good at being a friend.

Back in school, my buddy who sat beside me complained that I hadn’t called her to ask how she was doing when she was sick for a few days.

Another time, I was hanging out with some colleagues after lunch when I said, “I shouldn’t be wasting my time here.” One of them was stunned by my words. But my mind had simply been occupied with work.

Once, I decided at the last minute not to join another group of friends for dinner after a volunteer event—because I didn’t feel like it.

Needless to say, I don’t have a close relationship with them. In fact, the last group doesn’t ask me out on outings anymore.

I blame my introverted personality and fiercely independent streak for the way I tend to respond to others. I’m fine watching a movie alone, getting rid of a pesky cockroach myself, and trying to solve problems on my own.

Maybe I’ve been too self-sufficient or self-reliant.

Imagine my bewilderment when I read John 15:13–15 and remembered that Jesus calls me His friend.

Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends. You are my friends if you do what I command. I no longer call you servants, because a servant does not know his master’s business. Instead, I have called you friends, for everything that I learned from my Father I have made known to you.

Really, Jesus? Me, Your friend? I’m probably terrible at being Your friend, too!

But as I meditated on this passage, it dawned on me—what a privilege I have to be known as Jesus’ friend.

Friendship with Jesus is a precious and beautiful gift. It gives me a new status and identity. But more than that, it affects the way I live and my purpose in life.

In the first place, though, what surprised me was the way Jesus called His followers “friends” instead of “servants”—in fact, friends He had chosen, as He goes on to say:

You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you so that you might go and bear fruit—fruit that will last—and so that whatever you ask in my name the Father will give you. This is my command: Love each other. (v. 16).

The New English Translation of the Bible explains in a footnote to this verse: “If the disciples are now elevated in status from [servants] to friends, they are friends who have been chosen by Jesus, rather than the opposite way round.”

It adds, “Jesus’ words must be addressed to all true Christians, not just some narrower category of believers, because Jesus’ sacrificial death, which is his act of love toward his friends (v. 13), applies to all Christians equally.”

Jesus’ hand of friendship is extended not just to His inner circle but also to all believers. It reaches beyond the night before Jesus died to the here and now, to you and to me.

Compare this with the way earthly friendships are formed. Usually, we need to have a shared history with our friends, or at least common interests, or a similar way of life.

But Jesus establishes His friendship with us purely out of His initiative.

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With competing priorities for our time and attention, should we even expect to have friends where we worship?

Jesus, What's It Like Being Your Friend?

To be sure, Jesus didn’t say that His friends could do anything they wanted. He added an important qualifier: “You are my friends if you do what I command” (v. 14).

Obedience is required, yet not the obedience of a servant. A tall order indeed, but Jesus gives us a tangible image of how such obedience might be possible.

Earlier in John 15, He exhorts His disciples to remain in Him and His words like branches growing on a vine (vv. 4–5, 7). Such “remaining”—which Eugene Peterson’s The Message describes as an “intimate and organic” bond with the Lord—will keep our friendship with Jesus strong (vv. 9–10).

Beyond this, Jesus displays the extent of His love for His friends by laying down His life for them. Just as He commands us to follow His example (vv. 12–13), His love also enables us to obey the command to love—as the apostle John will go on to explain to the early church (1 John 4:19).

In the end, we find that Christ’s love for us has an indispensable spillover effect: love for one another (v. 17). His love is not for us to monopolise.

Jesus, How's My Friendship with You Going?

If this is what befriending Jesus is like, it challenges me greatly, in three areas.

Obeying not just out of duty but out of love.

Being raised in a traditional Chinese family with Confucian values has imbued me with a sense of duty to others based on my role in society. This means I’ve often taken on my responsibilities grudgingly, operating out of duty. Love isn’t usually part of the equation.

On the other hand, friendship with Jesus compels one to obey out of love, not out of moralistic inclinations or sheer legalism.

Duty would compel me to obey with a servile attitude, though I’m no longer called a servant. And we know how love changes our behaviour. Just think of one who offers care with love, compared with another who takes care of another out of perfunctory duty. Love imbues all service with a genuine wholeheartedness.

I would like to think that obedience, with or without love, remains good. As pastor John Piper said, “Duty is good, but delight is better.” The question is:

Will I seek to grow in love for Jesus and obey Him according to this growing love?

Wasting time with Jesus.

If I grow into my friendship with Jesus, it would also affect how I feel about spending time with Him. A passage from David G. Benner’s book The Gift of Being Yourself hit me with its simple message of “wasting time with God”.

What God wants is simply our presence, even if it feels like a waste of potentially productive time. That is what friends do together—they waste time with each other. Simply being together is enough without expecting to “get something” from the interaction. It should be no different with God.

When I posted this quote on my social media account, the number of friends who chimed in about how much it resonated with them surprised me. We’ve all experienced being unaware of the passage of time in the company of friends.

In the same way, can I “waste time” with my friend Jesus?

I know people who would attest that time spent with Jesus is never a waste, like a friend who shared about how she set aside time to reflect on what she had learnt at a church camp. In solitude, she invited Jesus to sit with her, and after reading the Bible and praying, she was sure that Jesus’ had been with her the entire time. Her faith in Christ was strengthened, and her spirit refreshed.

“Dying” for someone.

As for the command to love one another in verse 17, to be honest, I’m most adept at loving myself, not others. Yet, my identity in Christ has given me a new heart and a new Spirit. I can grow in my love for Him and be changed into His likeness.

That enables me to love as He loved, though I’m not sure of how I will be called to “die” for another. Dying for a friend will go far beyond ordinary friendliness.

Perhaps the “death” I’m called to simply means laying down my independence and learning to be interdependent on others. Maybe it means being more comfortable giving and receiving from my friends as Jesus did with His.

It won’t be as simple as adding a “friend” on social media. Being a Christlike friend to another requires steadfast commitment grounded in relationship with Jesus.

But even as close friends are able to confess their weaknesses to one another, thankfully Jesus hears and knows my inadequacies as His friend.

Building my friendship with Jesus requires a renewed commitment to Him. It calls for me to obey His will, which He reveals to me as I spend time with Him.

He is the eternal friend who sacrifices, supports, counsels, and grants growth, as promised in John 15. And with Jesus’ help, I know I can be a better friend to Him.