“You are so loved, Hannah,” God whispered these words to me for four months, every morning, when the pain of not feeling loved or good enough kept me in my bed. 

The older I get, the more I realise how rare true friendship is. It’s hard to find a good friend who says and loves you for who you are. They know you, care about you, and extend grace to you knowing that they are also far from perfect. Ultimately, a good friend is someone who journeys with you in various seasons of your life. After all, “[a] good friend sticks closer than a brother” (Proverbs 18:24).  But I’ve often gotten friendship and service severely confused.

A key difference between the two is this—service is conditional, and friendship is unconditional. We serve our friends out of love, and if we serve expecting something in return, that’s not a friendship, that’s only a service.

When a friendship feels like a one-way street for a while, I chastise myself for feeling selfish and desiring something in return because didn’t “the King of kings come to serve, not to be served” (Mark 10:45)? If I can offer my time, ear, generosity and home to a friend, I should do so out of love, not because I expect anything in return . . . but what happens when you start to feel burnt out after constantly pouring into someone who doesn’t make you feel very loved or valued?

For a season of my life, I had many friends who made me feel more useful than loved. It often felt like they were only interested in my being a friend if they could benefit from my service (what I could offer) such as my finances, material things, or time (listening to their problems, and keeping them company during a hard time). However, if I couldn’t provide them with something . . . I was worthless. 

Friendships in your twenties (maybe even in your 30s and 40s) may seem conditional like this, and it can be hard. People can change drastically, and that’s hard to watch and accept. It’s hard to feel like you can trust someone, that they want to be your friend purely for being you, and that you’re not just filling a void until something or someone better comes along. I think a lot of twenty-somes can relate to feeling dropped faster than phone service on a mountain when your “best friend” finds the love of her life. 

I had friends who were happy to make time for me when we were in the same season, but as soon as God took them to the next, suddenly I was neither needed nor a priority—until I could help decorate or plan a life milestone event. I’ve had friends who only reached out when they needed something, but it never felt convenient when I needed a friend or a favor. I’ve had friends who couldn’t keep their word nor apologise for letting me down. I’ve also had friends try to change or mock me for who I am. They say it’s all in good fun, but I think the butt of the joke is the determinant of that.

“A good friend carries another’s burdens (Galatians 6:2).”

A good friend should not make you feel tolerated, unwanted, out of place, like a burden, or only worth their time if you fit conveniently into their schedule. A good friend should make you feel valued whether you just did a big favor for them, or simply sat with them to watch a show. A good friend carries another’s burdens (Galatians 6:2), without making it seem like such a burden to them.

I know I’m not always the greatest friend I can be. I can be selfish with my time, and not make some people feel like a priority, and this is why I’m so grateful for the grace of Jesus to correct me, and for friends who are equally gracious when I tell them I am sorry.

“Though His friends failed to be there for Him then, Jesus was still there for them unconditionally, just as how He is for us now. “

Friendship is one of the ways we show and experience the love of Christ. When we feel we’re only good enough based on our deeds, we start to believe Christ’s love for us is measured like that, too. When I was surrounded by these “friends,” it’s no wonder for a season I didn’t believe in unconditional love. 

The night before Jesus knew He would be crucified on the cross, after everything He had done (and was about to do) for His disciples, He asked them to stay awake with Him and pray. Jesus needed a friend(s) to be there for Him for what He was about to do—change the world. And Scripture tells us that His friends (also His disciples), who He didn’t ask much from, couldn’t even stay awake (Matthew 26:36-46). While Jesus came to serve, He also had and needed friends. Though His friends failed to be there for Him then, Jesus was still there for them unconditionally, just as how He is for us now.  

It didn’t happen overnight, but after a ton of prayer and seeking God, He taught me about loving boundaries, how to forgive and be kind, and what true friends look like. While painful, some friends are only meant to be seasonal, and we have to trust that our sovereign God teaches and refines us through such heartbreaking experiences.

Friends, remember that God sees everything, and He knows best, and what you need. Since praying for God’s healing, He has removed many branches that were no longer producing fruit (John 15:2) and given me sweet friends who showed me what He told me during the hardest four months, “you are so loved.” God loves you so much, and when it feels like there isn’t anyone who loves you for who you are, run to Jesus, because not only will He give you everything you need, but He is also the greatest friend you’ll ever have (John 15:13).