What My Wife’s Anxiety and Depression Taught Me about Learning to Lament

A writer discovers a biblical way to express his frustrations, anger, and helplessness.

Jay*

Her head drooped forward, streaks of hair covering a pair of unfocused, tear-filled eyes. She was shaking, her breathing uncontrollably quick and erratic. Nothing I said or did seemed to be registering.

That was the first time I was witnessing a panic attack.

In front of me sat my girlfriend (now wife) of two months, who a moment before seemed completely fine. Unable to calm her down, I frantically called my dad, who was then pursuing a degree in counselling, for help. He focused my girlfriend’s attention on her immediate surroundings and gave her verbal cues to steady her breathing. She eventually managed to calm down.

That panic attack wouldn’t be the last. In the months that followed, she would wake up in the middle of the night in cold sweat on some days, her heart pounding rapidly. On other days, she would speak of the utter emptiness that consumed her. She had anxiety and depression, and we had no idea how to contend with it.

The Default: Deny or Rationalise

Growing up as a Christian, I had come to learn the common responses to suffering that were used by many in the Christian community: deny or rationalise.

Initially, I told my girlfriend to focus on the goodness of God and to “not be anxious about anything” (Philippians 4:6). I thought shifting her attention to prayer and praise, instead of dwelling on her suffering, would help.

When she protested about the “unfairness” of her situation, I tried to theologically rationalise her suffering, and quoted Scripture on how God “sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous” (Matthew 5:45), believing that such verses would comfort her.

I soon realised that none of these responses helped her; in fact, they only made things worse. It made her feel responsible for her predicament, which only worsened her depression. And because my words dismissed the reality of her situation, she felt unable to express her honest emotions.

What good does offering theological perspectives or telling someone to simply praise God do when they’re consumed by utter darkness and despair?

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Lament: A Biblical Way to Deal with Pain

Many poems and stories in the Bible point to a more nuanced and human way of dealing with pain—and that is to lament.

While many of us may be more familiar with the themes of blessing and protection in the book of Psalms (such as Psalm 1 and 23), nearly half of the 150 psalms, in fact, are psalms of lament. These are songs and poems in which the writers cried out to God in moments of suffering and utter despair. Of all of these psalms, Psalm 88 stands out in offering us a way to wrestle with and process pain.

Unlike many of the other psalms, Psalm 88 has no final refrain of praise. In Psalm 43, for instance, the psalmist asks, “Why have you rejected me?” (v. 2), but then ends with, “I will yet praise him” (v.5). Psalm 88 asks the same question—“Why, LORD, do you reject me and hide your face from me?” (v. 14)—but does not resolve the overwhelming agony. Instead, it ends bleakly, on the declaration that “darkness is my closest friend” (v. 18).

I find it interesting that many Christians have reacted like the writer of Psalm 88, Heman the Ezrahite, to times of despair. Heman blamed God for his predicament (vv. 6–8), crying out to God repeatedly while lamenting that God was not answering him. So why do we feel shame about thinking the same way, and believe that such a response is wrong?

Is Psalm 88 showing us that it is okay to cry out to God in this way, too? As Bible teacher Mike Raiter notes, Heman “may feel God has turned His face against him but he continues to turn his face towards God”.

Lament: Being Frank with God

As I read the Bible, I began to realise that God’s Word is filled with characters who were not afraid to “talk back” to God and cry out to Him in the face of injustice and suffering.

When Job, for instance, suffered immense losses in his family, health, and wealth, his friends offered unhelpful explanations of why he was suffering and even chided him for questioning God’s goodness.

But Job refused to suffer in silence. In his final defence, he even vented his frustration and anger at God’s apparent apathy towards him. Pointing a finger at God, he lamented that “He throws me into the mud, and I am reduced to dust and ashes. I cry out to you, God, but you do not answer; I stand up, but you merely look at me” (Job 30:19–20). ‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬

Job repeatedly asked God for a fair trial, and eventually, God responded.

I grew up thinking that God’s whirlwind response (chapters 38–41) was an admonishment; that God was burying him with a lengthy speech until he conceded that “therefore I despise myself and repent in dust and ashes” (42:6). I had thought that in essence, God was saying to him: “Who are you, Job, to complain about My character and governance?”

However, this is actually the opposite of what was happening. In J. Richard Middleton’s book Abraham’s Silence, he examines how God had invited Job to question Him and speak up (38:2, 40:7). God was in fact taking Job’s cries and complaints seriously, and answering according to his outcry. Perhaps Job’s response in Job 42:6, Middleton and other scholars suggest, is better translated as: “Therefore I retract and am comforted about dust and ashes” (emphasis added).

Job was not insignificant and being put in place by God because he was just “dust and ashes”. On the contrary, he was finding comfort that even as “dust and ashes”, he could boldly address the divine Creator and be answered!

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Learning to Lament with Patience and Trust

My wife and I certainly did not hear a response from God in the form of a whirlwind telling us about the earth and the seas. Like Job and Heman, we had many tearful nights when we groaned over God’s lack of response. But looking back over the three years since that first panic attack, we can see that His provisions were clearly there.

Crucially, God’s Word assured us that it was okay to cry, complain, break down, and let out frustrations when things went awry. We learnt that bottling them up or choosing to “praise away” the pain would only hurt us. And that responding this way to others going through similar pain may also hinder us from being a comfort to them (2 Corinthians 1:4; Romans 12:15).

For example, we came across mental health-related resources that spoke directly to my wife, making her feel less alone in her battles. With my mother’s help, we found a Christian organisation that provided free counselling services; this was of great help because it not only helped my wife process her emotions, but also helped in our limited finances. My wife was also led to a close friend and mentor who could deeply empathise with her struggles with depression and anxiety, and who also modelled how to express painful emotions honestly.

The Bible’s honest lamentations have helped us to deal with the burden and pressure to present ourselves as “put together”, and showed us that we have the space and freedom to lament and be honest about our emotions.

God cares when we suffer. He is the same God who loved us so much that He responded to humanity’s cry by giving His one and only Son for us (John 3:16). When we cry out in our suffering and despair, He chooses to listen to us and dwell with us.

My wife’s journey with anxiety and depression isn’t over. It may take years or even a lifetime. But we have both learnt to lament, to cry out to God, and to honestly express ourselves, especially when it feels like darkness is taking over.

While there have been and will be moments when we feel completely alone and abandoned, much like how Job and Heman did, we continue to place our hope in a God who is with us and who will answer us.

*To protect those around him, this article has been published under a pseudonym.