Caregiving for a loved one with special needs can be a tiring responsibility. A brother reflects on his role.

Bryan Wong

“Why must I always be the one to take my brother for a haircut?” 

“Why must I disrupt my schedule just to tend to him?” 

“Why must I put my plans and ambitions on hold, just because of my brother?”

“Why should I have to be stressed by the thought of looking after him till I am old and tired?” 

“Why can’t I run away from this responsibility? What’s wrong with that?”

My older brother was diagnosed with autism at birth. His condition lies at the end of the spectrum where he is unable to survive on his own. He needs to be directed to eat and taken to the bathroom for a shower. Conversations with him are difficult; at best, he answers our questions with the few words he knows. 

Growing up with him was a struggle. I can recall the many times he ran away from home, causing us much worry and many hours spent looking for him. I can remember the time he developed the habit of throwing things out the window simply because it fascinated him; thankfully, he no longer does that, and no one was hurt by his actions.

At my lowest moments, when I felt overwhelmed by the pressure and expectations to take care of my brother, I found myself echoing what Cain said to God: “Am I my brother’s keeper?” (Genesis 4:9).

It’s a question I still ask today, along with all the questions above.

There were times when I wished that my brother wasn’t a part of my family, or, at least, wasn’t my responsibility. 

These thoughts ring in my head whenever I think about my future—specifically one in which I marry and start a family of my own.

What would it be like to have my brother live together with my young kids? Would my wife be able to cope with having an autistic person around? Would we be able to cope with the costs of taking care of his needs, on top of our own? Would I have to make the hard decision to put my brother in a home?

As all these questions cannot be answered now, I’ve placed them in a mental box and shelved them away, in a far corner of my mind. It’s a box that I’ve not dared to open fully. Because at the back of my mind, I also wonder: Am I being a bad brother for asking all these questions?

Yet, as I have discovered, God has a way of helping us face difficult questions and dilemmas in life. And it’s not by giving us easy or straightforward answers. Rather, it’s by changing our perceptions, so that we begin to see our challenges not through our selfish views, but through His loving eyes.

Who Are We Looking At?

My girlfriend, who has a soft spot for my brother, comes over for dinner with my family regularly. 

“Have you ever noticed,” she remarked to me one evening, “that your brother is always looking at you?”

I had never noticed it, but now I realised she was right. At home, wherever I moved, my brother’s eyes would follow me around the room. It reminded me of a baby watching his mother’s every moment from the cot, knowing that his world revolved around her.

It was at that very moment that God opened my spiritual eyes. 

My brother’s actions reminded me that we, too, need to keep our eyes on Someone constantly—Someone who we know can provide for us in every way, protect us, and make sure that everything will be alright. 

And, unlike me with my brother, this Someone will never look away. Like a doting parent, God is constantly looking back at us. Psalm 121:3, 7–8 reminds us, “[God] who watches over you will not slumber . . . he will watch over your life; the LORD will watch over your coming and going.”

At that very moment, I felt ashamed of my thoughts towards my brother. He was like the woman who sought out Jesus to touch His garment. Instinctively and by faith, she knew that He could—and would—heal her.

In the same way, my brother seeks me out and relies on me for everything in life. Even if he may not fully understand his own situation, or may feel overwhelmed by his environment, he instinctively knows that I can—and will—help him.

Do we do the same thing? Do we look to God in our struggles when we are overwhelmed by life’s challenges? Do we trust Him to take care of us when we don’t understand what is happening around us?

We Are Part of God’s Family

For all my bluster and unloving thoughts, I would like to believe that I will never abandon my brother. I will continue to look after him, as I have always been doing. Why? Simply because he is my brother. He is my family. 

In the same way, we are all a part of God’s family. He will never abandon us nor forsake us (Deuteronomy 31:6). Even when we cannot see it, God is working in our lives to take care of us and protect us. He is the wind that holds the eagle aloft to cross the desert to the oasis, and the wave that takes the rudderless boat to the safety of land.

This is, after all, the same God who sent His own Son to die for us on the cross. Why would He ever abandon us?

This divine insight has enabled me to reconcile my feelings about my brother with my conscience.

There will be times, I know, when I will not be able to stop feeling resentment towards my brother. Yet, in his own non-verbal way, my brother has shown me what God wanted me to know—that He understands how I feel, because He is always looking at me and knows every struggle I have. 

I am also reminded that just as my brother looks at me constantly, I, too, can keep my eyes on Someone who is infinitely patient, loving, and all-powerful. Someone who will never turn His back on us, even though our waywardness cost His Son’s life.

No matter the trials we face, we can keep looking at God.

Those who hope in the LORD

will renew their strength.

They will soar on wings like eagles;

they will run and not grow weary,

they will walk and not be faint.

—Isaiah 40:31